Days of our LLamas [entries|friends|calendar] llamasrule925 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Senseless [27 Nov 2008|01:00am] After Tuesday evenings event, I just feel utterly and completely betrayed. People I would call brothers would treat me like meat for the vultures. I have never put my morals up for someone else's pleasure. I feel partly to blame for not knowing better and knowing these so called "brothers" would have treated me so poorly. The worst part they never apologized or called after I stormed out. Parts of me are so crazed. I want to meet someone who will make me happy and when I thought I did, this shit happens. On a positive note I did not let them get the best of me I held true to my morals and left. I am just glad to be strong and hopes that one day something good will happen to me. Kiss a llama

Dust Me Off [19 Aug 2008|10:30am] Is it the rain, is it the feeling of longing, is it knowing there is something greater for me out there? For a few days now, I feel down. I am not sure why. I know I have my doubts and gut feelings about things. As much as I try not to dwell on them, it seems that the only reaction I can stir up is dwell. I need to start school and worry about my future. Maybe, I am looking at the bumps in front of me; not the wavy path ahead. Kiss a llama

Gymnastics [13 Aug 2008|09:40am] Oh... Where to begin, probably, why I am so angry. I think it has to do when I was younger always having to be the best at everything. Thank you Mom and Dad for that little tick of mine. Watching the women last night they were amazing. Even Alicia I give them mad props for being able to make it this far and competing, while there teammates are injured. Yes, I know those chinese girls are not all 16 but shit what can you do?! We did our best and as Shawn said We have our good days and our bad days. The pressure most def. got to Alicia but I believe we can win best all around and individuals just tighten your shit up and do it! Kiss a llama

Tear the walls down [03 Jul 2008|12:46am] I feel this wave of sadness coming at me lately. I feel as though I dont even know myself; Who am I really. I was happy today; that feeling did not last very long. I feel that the past 22 years of my life have just been a lie. The person who I think I am. I am not. So what does that leave me. I have this overwhelming urge to be sick. My head hurts,eyes are swollen, nose stuffy. Ive been laying down in bed all day: no urge to do anything. Instead of making things better-obviously they are not-thing have spiraled down like a plane nose diving. I wish at times I could go back and see myself as a kid, give myself a hug, tell myself to be strong that life isnt going to be easy. If I were able to do that, the future, just might be a little better. But life doesnt give you those chances. They are only in the movies. So instead, I write. My mom asked me whats wrong... Where to begin. Maybe that they are forcing me to be something I am not; making me out to be a bad guy; that what I do is wrong. I do lie. I lie because my choices are not "right". Ugh I dont think I have that sparkle I use to have. That essence of happiness. Its all subcome to the overcast of sadness, as though a thunderstorm has drifted in over my emotions. Oh man who knows whats to come. I just really hope that I am able to shake this feeling(s). 1 Llama Kiss a llama

In the words of Hadley Seprish "REALLY" [19 Jun 2008|12:52am] So why does it seem that lately I cant catch a break? Is this some kharmic bite in the ass; for something I have done in a past life? Cause honestly shit has been going down after my noisy ass mother made such a huge ordeal about me smoking pot! Honestly, people need to get with the times and grow the fuck up! I feel that I am living in this make believe world where people have nothing better to do then be in my business. Really. I haven't cried this much since.... I couldnt tell you. When it rains it pours. Things were going so well for me the last few weeks. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my mother had to just fuck things up! I just want to scream and punch things. I feel like the fucking hulk right now. I want to just smash shit and get my anger out that way. But, I know things do not work out that way. So, rather then just mope around my happy ass has to go to the towing fucking company pay 147 mother fucking dollars to get my car back. Why? Because I was "trying" to be this "ideal" child that my mother wants me to be. Well you know what I want to say to her.... Well not say just fucking raise one finger, high in the air, and wave it like I just dont care. Oh good god I am livid. Nothing else to fucking rave and rant about peace! Kiss a llama

Is this thing on? [01 May 2008|03:16am] So why do I usually fall for the one I shouldnt?! Ugh really you would think I learn... On the other hand I also like to over anaylze everything my situation is just quite confusing-- as if I dont anything else to worry about. What the fuck honestly things should just be clear cut sometimes would save us all some sanity Kiss a llama

Dum spiro spero [09 Apr 2008|01:43am] I find each new day interesting. As if each new day is a gift and when I pull the ribbon and tear the paper its that tingly feeling you get as you open a Christmas gift. But lately the days seem dreary yet the smile on my face is still stuck on as if it was super glued. I never had thought the people I have met in the last year would have affect me so much. I never knew that these friendships would be so strong. The other day I uploaded pictures from about 3 years ago. As I was remincising good times, I thought to myself was I just living in the moment? Or were things just so much better then I wasnt worried about the future? Maybe it was just that immature phase I was in that made me do the things I did. Dont get me wrong I loved the fun I had with my friends back then. But people change and move on... I feel this summer will surely test my emotions, friendships, and strength to pull forward when I am down. I feel that the feelings I have for certain people I still carry over from passed failed attempts at finding that special someone. I know that everything happens for a reason and that once I pass through these obstacles I will find what I am looking for. Until then I need to keep trucking along! LLAMA over and out Kiss a llama

[22 Mar 2008|12:29am] So tomorrow I have my second interview with this marketing firm. I am pretty excited not only because this is the beginnings of what I want to do but also that I will be financially secure to get out of my house. On the downside its a full time job =( But like i said before its great experience! Oh N.M I kinda still have feelings and it sucks bad but at the same time I know it wouldnt work out why... PF CAUSE hes crazy lol.... But now theres D.D.I and mmmm well we will see what happens I hope the best for tomorrow! Kiss a llama

A tad [15 Feb 2008|12:04am] Today kinda sucked especially cause im kinda single.... or am I single ughhh life can never be straight forward can it. My emotions are pretty random these days especially who I like it bounces well guess its good while im young. Right now I should be finishing my project but I cant concentrate to many things on my head!!! AOHSOKAHS AMEN Kiss a llama

Wish I was somewhere [23 Jan 2008|10:32am] After having an amazing weekend in Tallahassee I come back to dull Palm Beach. I wish I was somewhere else maybe not Tallahassee but definitely not in my house. It sucks being here but you have to play with the cards you are dealt with. School is ok I just want to relax in my own place without worrying about crazy family members Kiss a llama

Cows to the slaughter house [12 Jan 2008|10:40am] Ever since I can remember I have had this hatred a grudge against my father. He use to be an alcoholic and use to hit my mom and I remember he would verbally abuse my sisters and I. He would instead of spanking me kick me when I was young making me pee myself. My mother and father till this day fight like two male lions over scarce food it seems like to the death. I remember waking up to screams and things crashing on the floor. I always said I never wanted to be anything or help out my father. I think today I had a little change of heart. I have only see my dad cry twice and today was one of them. We talked a little quite possibly the most we have talked in years. As he left my room a flood of emotions came over me quite like giant waves crashing at the shore. Violent, fierce, uncontrollable feelings that I havent felt in a while. Yes my dad doesnt have family here except for us. Yes weve turned our backs on him, but I dont forgive him for what he has done. So I am stuck in this limbo to forgive and forget or wipe my hands clean and good-ridens. I would my emotions to just line up and enter a slaughter house so I can be down with them. Package them, ship them off to some third world country and forget all about them. Kiss a llama

Plans for the New Year [03 Jan 2008|11:14pm] So I am putting my X-Large Jersey on the wall and getting into the Small one again. Fuck Jared and his subway subliminal messages. I am going to get back to the gym and do whats right!!!! What is that you ask. We'll I'll tell you!!! Im going to look sexy so yall can stare at me =) haha plan of action starts tomorrow and every 15th day im going to post my progress, thoughts, ideas, and pictures of me. Be prepared! This was me 1st one this passed summer This one a year ago I am going to try and get back at this Kiss a llama

[19 Nov 2007|07:07pm] Enough is enough!!! I am so fucking tired of bull shit people, drama, and fucking shit! Ive had enough of my own drama and fucking crap to deal with to deal with anyone elses. I am so tired of me worrying about everyone else and not myself. Its time to liberate myself from this oppression of people and biases. I love my family and my friends but I need to change and prioritize my life. I put people and life before me. I need to focus on school and me. I hate being alone I hate watching those damn romance films where everyone is together cause fuck that im single and lonely. I hate when people say be patient it will come to you well shit ive been pretty damn patient so far and shit. Kiss a llama

Buisness Vs. Pleasure [12 Nov 2007|11:10pm] I feel like today I was judged for the people I hang out with. I was dicked over pretty bad today for that. I really am truly upset at todays events. Kiss a llama

Family Affairs [23 Oct 2007|10:55pm] I honestly truly hate being so down. But it feels like the only thing going on in my life is that. Why? I think I surround myself but some people who are cause drama and I cant be around them. So its time to cut the ties with those people. Yea one person in particular I wish we couldve had more. But during it all I understand why there isnt anything. Thats the friend part of this journal. My family... I know we have to play the cards were dealt. We can chose our family but geez tell me if a family is one who calls each other derogatory names and lies and is abusive? I get yelled at for not spending time with them. But how can I feel no connection. Does this make me a bad person? Cause I feel like one. I need to stop being so hard on myself and feel better. I need to find whats right for me. Not what will make me feel good for the moment. Life has a funny way of making things work out. I have learned that so... Time will Tell. Live life with no regrets. Cause at the time you wanted it. Let God help me find my light and my way. Kiss a llama

[08 Oct 2007|11:15pm] I just want to yell FUCK YOU to some people. That wouldnt be very classy of me though. Kiss a llama

I just got to shake it off [07 Oct 2007|11:54am] So sometimes theres those people you meet and cant get them out of your head. Shit its the most fucking annoying thing that has ever happened to me. Not because I am attracted but because the person is so immature and talks crap. Geez I thought people in college were a little more mature but I guess I put to much assurance on people thinking they are better than they really are. But, I will do the adult thing and talk to them and put everything on the table because thats the only way to solve things. I miss jersey I miss the north and I want to kick people in the fucking face thats all lol! Kiss a llama

Fireflies and Changing leaves [02 Oct 2007|10:07pm] I sit and ponder why I cant be back up north were my life was so much easier and peaceful. I miss the changing seasons being a kid and trying to catch fireflies. The simple things I grew up on. I miss seeing the snow going outside and my friends being there. This longing feeling is eating away at me. Kiss a llama

My Birthday Eve [24 Sep 2007|10:40pm] [ mood | aggravated ] Its ridiculous not to count on any of my family members to upset me before or on my birthday. Im human I bleed too! Do they not understand that? I guess not there are times where I just wish not to continue to give in to the sporadic torture they feel they need to afflict on me for their amusement or well being. I am not willing to give up any more tears or endless nights wondering why they have this disgust of me. I know I am not perfect for from it! But I dont see the wrong in what I do. Maybe I lean more towards one side of the picket fence but I always come right back to the middle. Its just countless emotional battles between us and its not fair. The day I move out seems so surreal. Maybe with a year older I will become wiser, stronger, and a better person all around. Let us hope. Kiss a llama

The bitter taste of attraction [23 Sep 2007|10:57pm] [ mood | confused ] Help I have done it again.... I have been here many times before... Oh it is said that we learn from our mistakes. Yes I have but the emotion still has a deep cutting action. I have no doubtingly become a stronger person. The curiosity of being attracted to someone or infatuation or love whatever it maybe is a strong little seed that can bloom and cause severe joy, pain, and confusion. I am glad I am able to write my feelings down because I tend to bottle my emotions. One day I can quite possibly find the love I long for. But I guess because Ive never known it I long for the unknown. For that warm bubbly feeling they show in the movies. But in all reality its just a movie. I and a million others long for that story book ending. So at the end of the day what I really want is what I really dont know. Its easy how easily one can be distracted by a cute face but fall goo goo ga ga. I feel like screaming inside but I cant I need to hold my com posher. Lets hope that one day I will be able to get over this Kiss a llama

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]